Since I was a little girl, I’ve always tried very hard to be good. I learnt early on that if I was good, I would be less likely to be “told off” and feel safe. I wouldn’t risk the wrath of an adult or anyone else for that matter. For the most part, this approach worked well. Until it didn’t. Turns out, no matter how hard I tried to be good and kind, I still made mistakes. I still encountered judgement and often harsh criticism, just for being me, clumsy me, sensitive me, silly, giggly me. I couldn’t escape the conditioning of my family’s expectations and the social norms and values that internally crushed my confidence and feelings of worthiness.
So alongside trying to appease and please, I also learnt how to berate myself. I emulated that which was modelled to me rather successfully. On the outside I was a very amenable, happy and helpful young person, on the inside I responded to my weak, comparison thoughts, my flaws and my failings with harsh inner criticism.
It took a very long time and a lot of courage to stand back from my inner critical patterns and discover a new way to respond to myself, especially when I was in pain, physically or emotionally. Regardless how tough my search was, I never gave up seeking and after 40 something years, it was worth the wait.
A new worldview
Who would have thought that such a simple premise would change my world forever? Learning to respond to myself with the same kindness I offered to others. Wow! Totally radical. The clearer and kinder I became with myself, the more compassionate and skilfully I could respond to loved ones and those I encountered professionally and in everyday life.
When we reduce our own suffering, we create a ripple effect of compassion in our relationships, communities, and beyond. This ripple effect is what I am passionate about. Making a difference in the world; helping make our world, our community and our inner circles more compassionate. This, I believe, can only happen sustainably, if we have developed a compassionate approach to ourselves.
A gift to you and the world
Self-compassion matters for the greater good! It helps reduce personal suffering by calming the inner critic and fostering resilience. When we are calmer, we think more clearly, we are more likely to respond skilfully to difficult situations. Already we are more empowered to meet the challenges of life with more awareness and love. When we are less overwhelmed by our own struggles, we can show up fully for others; with more patience, understanding, and kindness.
As a parent, I moved from trying to “fix” my sons’ problems to sitting with them and holding steady as they navigated their “shituations”. One of the biggest shifts in my parenting came when my darling eldest son found himself broken-hearted after his first long term girlfriend walked away. For the first time, I found myself truly listening, simply being with him, holding him as he wept and wrestle with his confused and broken heart. I am sad that I did not have these skills earlier on in my life, especially as a mum, but I am deeply grateful that I know I can “be with” my children, now young men, with compassion and kindness, with openness and willingness to stay steady as they learn and grow through the inevitable trials of life.
There’s a mega tonne of research to demonstrate the positive impact of self-compassion, but I won’t list all the benefits here. I know from personal experience that self-compassion offers numerous psychological benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, enhanced resilience, improved emotional well-being, and stronger interpersonal relationships.
Self-compassionate individuals tend to experience greater emotional resilience and more stable feelings of self-worth. It can significantly enhance one’s mental health and relational dynamics. You can see how, with practice, I have changed my old “script” of being stupid and worthless to being a woman that cares for herself and supports her mind and heart when old wounds surface, so that I can respond with kindness and caring to others, as best I can.
I now feel like the poster girl for self-compassion. My “before and after” photos of my internal landscape are stunning! Whilst thoughts of “wishing things were other than they are” still arise, especially when it comes to my waistline, I am so happy and grateful that I am alive, in this body, at this time, to shine a light on all the possibilities to bring compassion and kindness to the world. I believe this practice must first start with ourselves.
Join me
If you resonate with anything I’ve shared, I warmly invite you to join me for some Mindful Self-Compassion Training in 2025. We’ll explore practical ways to reduce inner suffering and create a foundation for a kinder, more connected inner and outer worlds. It’s a chance to transform yourself and your impact on others.
We go gently and do our best to have a little chuckle along the way, to help balance the powerful inner work that we explore. To find out more click here or drop me a line. I am always happy to have a chat about self-compassion and if now is the right time for you to begin making friends with yourself. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or community leader, this is your chance to lead with compassion.
When we start with self-compassion, we light a spark of kindness and warmth that grows brighter with every interaction. Together, we can reduce suffering; not just for ourselves, but for our families, friends, communities, and the world.
Kathryn Lovewell is an author, self-compassion teacher and advocate, creative director of the Kind Mind Academy, and convenor of the Global Compassion Coalition’s “Compassion Champions” meetings.